


The Trip

by Zoe13



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Not Really Character Death, Self-Harm, sort-of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-13
Updated: 2013-09-13
Packaged: 2017-12-26 10:27:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/964875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Perrie breaks off the engagement, Zayn feels heartbroken. His whole life plan is upset, and in the confusion and turmoil, he wishes he'd never been born. An angel appears and shows him that he's done more than he thinks, and maybe he didn't really love Perrie after all. </p><p>Inspired by the movie "It's A Wonderful Life"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Trip

When Perrie breaks the engagement off, Zayn is heartbroken. She's not cruel about it; on the contrary, she's kind and regretful and it feels even worse that way. She tells him she's not ready, and he says he'll wait. But she doesn't want a relationship right now, and he swallows back tears, hugs her, and leaves. 

It gets worse from there. Louis jokes about it to lighten the mood but only worsens it. Liam philosophises about why it's for the best. Harry tells Zayn he's probably better off, but Niall- 

Well, Niall is fantastic. He comes to him every night and sits there quietly as he smokes, not giving him shit for it, just listening when he talks or letting silence fall when he doesn't want to. There's a side to Niall that it took a while to find, but one by one the boys all managed to discover, and it's a deep and melancholy side that rarely shows itself. But when one of the boys goes through a rough time, Niall is there inside his own shell, just listening when he would usually be talking, and it's gotten Zayn through so much. 

But now Zayn begins to feel like his whole life has been pointless. What had he ever done to help anyone? He'd been so sure of where his life was going, but now that the straight road ahead suddenly seems to curve abruptly, he feels lost. All of the time he would usually spend calling or walking around with Perrie he finds himself wondering about all the 'what ifs'. What if he'd married Perrie? What if he'd never dated Perrie? What if he'd never tried out on the X Factor?

What if he'd never been born?

He shudders a bit, but then thinks it again. What if he'd never been born?

It's one of those rare nights that Niall hasn't come to sit on the balcony with him yet, and so he looks up at the stars and says it out loud:

"I wish I'd never been born." 

He sits there, leaning over the balcony, having finished his cigarette a short time ago, and waits, feeling as if something is coming. 

He's still surprised when something does come, though. It's a figure that sort of . . . blinks into existence in front of him, appearing out of nowhere. It's a girl, floating above the balcony and smiling down at him. Her golden hair and white robes float as if untouched by gravity, and a powerful set of wings beat behind her, holding her in place. Her very skin seems to glow and her face looks neither old nor young. Zayn finds himself staring upward, wondering why no one is shouting at the bright light above them. 

She reaches out a hand, and he feels safe when he steps onto the stone railing and takes it.  
. . . . . . . . . . 

She flies so swiftly, it feels more like slow teleportation than actual flying. He's out of breath from the sheer wonder when they stop on top of the roof of a large building and rest for a moment, looking out at London stretched before him. Somewhere near by, Zayn's bandmates are in the hotel playing games or watching a movie. 

He shakes his head and forgets the thought, turning to the celestial girl. 

"Who are you?" he asks, feeling as though it is still more important than 'what are you?'

She smiles again, the corners of her mouth tugging up gracefully, and sits, something Zayn had never imagined a celestial being doing. 

"I'm Christianna, an angel sent here to show you."

"Show me what?" he asks absently, mesmerised by her voice. It's powerful but also gentle, commanding attention in a kind way. 

"The world without you," she replies. For some inexplicable reason he shudders as she says it, suddenly feeling a little trepidation sink in. 

"Oh," is all he can say, and she stands, gliding over to you and once again offering her hand. He takes it more hesitantly this time, a little worried about his wish. 

"Zayn Malik," she says, "welcome to a world without you."

He finds that he believes her, and he looks down at the lights and feels a bitter smile stretch across his lips because the world looks the same- there's no amazing impact. Christianna eyes him almost knowingly, and he shrinks from her sympathetic gaze. 

"I will be taking you through time also," she says, "and so there is no set date to this. Who would you like to see first?"

"My family," he says, feeling calm. Surely this will accomplish nothing. As he says the words, he finds himself in his old house, watching his sisters play. They're all under ten, and he smiles as they scream and laugh. 

"They can't see you," Christianna confirms to him when he notices the lack of stares at the boy who appeared in the livingroom. So far he feels like he was right, and the angel seems to see that. 

"Doniya!" his mother calls up the stairs, looking much older than Zayn has seen her up-to-date. When Doniya comes down the stairs, however, she is the same age she is back in Zayn's world. 

She's a much different Doniya, though, a hoodie hiding her figure, raggedy jeans hanging off of her sickly legs, and hands covered in sharpied lyrics. Her eyes are sunken in and she looks so tired. Zayn wans to run to her and ask her what's wrong, but he remembers she doesn't see him. 

"What, mom?" she snipes, so very unlike herself, and Zayn's mother flinches. 

"Your father wants to talk to you," Patrician relays, and Yaser comes into the room, looking sternly at the girl. Waliyha and Safaa are behind him, looking frightened. 

What ensues is horrible and so unlike his family. Yaser yells at Doniya, and she yells back even louder. They're arguing about a boy. Safaa bursts into tears and Waliyha takes her out of the room, Patricia nodding thankfully to her as she helps the sobbing girl walk until the door shuts behind them. 

The yelling escalates and Zayn snaps. 

"Stop! Make it stop!" he yells, and Christianna takes his hand and moves them. They're back on the rooftop, and Zayn sits on the roof, stunned. "How did that happen?" he asks. 

"Ever since you were all very little, you were Doniya's hero, her guide. She did whatever you said, and you kept her stable. Without you around, however, she went wild, having nothing to ground her. I see how this world continues on. Doniya's boyfriend leaves her with a child. Your parents try to help but she runs away, ending up dead in an alley with her child lost in the streets. Waliyha finds herself lost and lonely her entire life, too shy and cowed to make friends. Safaa lives with her the rest of her life, saddened and quiet also, unused to talking to people. Your parents divorce and your father dies in a car crash at a time when he would have been with you. This is their world without you."

"How can such little things impact them so majorly?" Zayn cries, looking up at the angel. 

"You'd be surprised at what little acts can do to a person," she says. 

"I-" Zayn stops. "Is there more?"

"Millions of fans all over the world followed your example," Christianna says. "Some are dead, some are miserable... the list goes on. Of them, there are too many to go over, but know this- they have been greatly impacted and a world without you for them has been devastating, even though they don't know it."

"What about the boys?" Zayn asks hesitantly. Christianna looks at him sympathetically again before taking his hand. 

"Liam first," she says, and Zayn finds himself in the boy's hotel room. He's sitting on his bed, holding a picture of Danielle. He looks tired, so tired, and Zayn's heart goes out to him. 

"What- what's wrong with him?" Zayn asks, horrified as Liam yells and throws the picture across the room. It shatters loudly and he collapses, sitting dejectedly on the bed. 

"When the group was first formed, he tried to be the responsible one- but every effort was met with failure. If you remember, you were the first to start listening to him, to back him up. But without you there, nothing goes right because no one listens. The picture," Christianna says, pointing toward the shattered frame on the floor, "is an old one. In the world you are alive in, you persuade him to talk to Danielle, to give it another go because he's not happy with his current girlfriend. But here, you don't exist, and he continues on, heartbroken over Danielle."

Zayn turns wide-eyed back to Liam, wondering how his existence prevented such a catastrophe.

"How can I have affected him so much?" he whispers. Christianna smiles sadly. 

"Louis," she says next, and then they're in Louis' hotel room. The first thing that Zayn notices is off is the fact that Harry and Louis aren't sharing a room. Normally they would be all over each other, but Harry is nowhere to be seen. 

Louis is sitting on the floor flipping through an album quietly. His eyes aren't vibrant or mischievous, and he's unnaturally thin, wasting away. His hands run gently over a photo of him with Harry and a tear falls on the page, spreading across the laminate. 

"He never got the courage to tell management he didn't want to 'date' Eleanor anymore without your advice," Christianna explained without waiting for Zayn to ask. "He and Harry fight all the time and don't even share a room anymore, more exhausted by each other than enlivened."

"Show me Harry," Zayn says hoarsely, and Christianna does. Harry's much the same, the life having gone out of him and left him a dim shadow. He's absently drumming on a table and crying silently, and Zayn turns away. 

"He's as miserable as Louis," Christianna says. "He feels as if Eleanor's better than he is, and his self-confidence is ruined."

Zayn puts his head in his hands, struggling to process everything that had just happened. 

His mind flies to someone else and he fights nausea, thinking that they surely were fine without him. 

"I want to see Niall."

"Zayn Malik, I do not think that is-"

"Show me!" Zayn yells, facing the angel angrily. "I want to see him!" 

Christianna dips her head slightly and takes Zayn's hand. They fly to somewhere cold and dark, and Zayn shivers. He turns and trips, knees hitting stone. 

It's a headstone. He kneels down and looks at it's smooth surface. 

Niall James Horan, aged eighteen.

He stumbles back with a cry, horror flooding through him. Niall's dead?

Christianna steps by him, emanating light onto the headstone, and Zayn reads the entire epitaph, ice rushing through his veins. It can't be right. How could that happen?

"H-how?" he forces out finally, and Christianna sighs. 

"At age twelve, Niall realized he was different. He quickly found out that it was his attraction to boys. When he confessed it to his mother, she accepted it, as did his father and brother. However, children at his school quickly found out and beat him down, verbally and physically. He found an outlet and used it."

Christianna takes Zayn's hand and brings them to a small house and a small room, dim light shining on the bowed back of a young boy. Zayn quickly recognizes Niall at age thirteen, bent over something. He walks around the boy and freezes in horror at the sight of a blade dragging through his skin, watching the boy unflinchingly wipe at the bloody wounds with a wet towel. There are no tears, no shuddering sobs- just empty coldness. 

"Show me more of him," Zayn begs, "help me understand!"

"Are you sure?" Christianna asks, and Zayn nods. 

"I want to see everything I can," he says. Christianna dips her head in acquiescence and suddenly Niall is seven years old, sitting quiet and subdued on a couch. His father sits by him and sets a guitar in his lap, smiling and pulling his arms into position. Guiding the boy's fingers, he helps him strum a chord. 

The effect on Niall's face is instantaneous. His quiet stare merges into a wide, bright smile and his eyes shine as he begs to play more. 

Zayn smiles too until he remembers the tombstone. 

"Please," he says, "continue."

"As you wish," Christianna says, and moves them again. 

Thirteen year old Niall ducks out of a classroom, clutching his school books to his chest and hurrying down the halls. 

"Faggot," a few voices hiss, and Niall's face twists with hurt, but he moves on, reaching his locker. He opens it, humming to himself. 

"Are you gonna burst into song, now?" a taunting voice asks, and Niall squeezes his eyes shut for a moment before turning around slowly. 

"Hello," he says softly to the large boy behind him. A fist is raised and Zayn steps forward, only to walk through the boy. He shivers, eyes wide at the strange feeling when he turns around again. 

He turns away as the first blow falls. Christianna takes them off without being asked. 

This time they're at Niall's house again, in his room. He's writing something on his desk, tears falling down his cheeks and his body shaking with suppressed sobs as he writes his dream out. After the last word is written, he pulls shaking hands to his face and cries. Zayn reaches out before remembering that his hand will simply go through the boy. 

Niall finally calms himself and goes to his backpack, unzipping it and pulling out books, his face back to normal except his red eyes. He pulls out a slip of paper with a confused look on his face, and opens it. A moment later Zayn is stepping forward to read it as Niall drops it and rummages frantically through his bag, pulling out a razor and locking the door. 

Zayn reads the words as Niall drags the razor over his arms and then legs, and finds that the piece of paper is addressed to Niall, covered in every horrible name imaginable. He's horrified to find that it's signed by multiple children, all of whom are telling Niall why his dream is unattainable. 

Tears in his own eyes, Zayn turns to Christianna. 

"Can I leave him a note? I won't sign it, I just- he needs-"

"Alright," said Christianna. "Write it on the notepad on his desk and be quick."

"Thank you," Zayn says, and runs over. He tries not to overthink what he writes. 

/Niall-  
Don't listen to the mockers. Your dream IS attainable, and someday you will be great./

He tries to change up his handwriting a little bit, just enough that Niall won't recognize it. He's not sure how this whole situation works and he's worried he'll mess something up. 

When he looks at Niall again, however, he finds he doesn't care as long as he's happy. His heart aches as he watches the boy sob over his bleeding arm, and he wonders at the depth of the feeling in his own chest. His feet move him forward and he sits by Niall. 

"Niall, love," he says, "don't. Please, please don't. I know you can't hear me but it's got to be said anyway. You are an amazing person. Don't think otherwise."

He gets up and walks toward Christianna, but not without a backwards glance. "Niall, please don't hurt yourself."

For a moment, Niall stops and looks up as if he heard something. His eyes are still shining with tears, but he stares into the empty room almost hopefully, as if he's looking for a hidden friend. As Christianna takes Zayn's hand, he sees Niall set the razor down.  
. . . . . . . . .

"Why is Niall dead here but not in my world?" Zayn asks, voice cracking as he kneels by the tombstone once again. 

"When he joined One Direction he was still fighting himself. You unwittingly helped him, made him more comfortable and got him to understand himself. You were the first boy to show him you understand his love for music, the first boy to get close to him and stay, and the first boy he fell in love with."

"What?" Zayn gasps, looking up at the angel. She seems to be gauging his reaction, but he ignores that. "He was in love with me?"

"Is," she corrected. "Back in your world he still loves you."

"Oh my g-" Zayn cuts himself off, remembering he's talking to an angel. "I've gone to him to talk about Perrie and ask his opinion and he- he loves me?"

"It's hurt him, but he loves you. He would do anything to make you happy."

"But- he could have told me!"

"Why? He didn't think you didn't love him back, he knew it. You were dating Perrie."

"He could have asked me to talk to someone else. All this time-"

"Do you love him?" Christianna asks, and Zayn feels confused. 

"What?"

"Do you think that somewhere deep down you may love him back?"

"I-" Zayn stopped. All those times they'd been a shoulder to cry on for each other, an understanding listener. All those times they'd laughed together, cried together, yelled at each other . . . they all flooded back. 

Did he love Niall? He knew he cared for him deeply, but just how deeply?

Christianna was watching his turmoil knowingly. 

"What do you understand that I don't?" Zayn asked her finally, at a loss.

"I see the future," she said, and would say no more. 

"Can I go back?" Zayn asked finally. 

"Wait. I have one more thing to show you." She took his hand and pulled him to a hotel room. There was a table off to the left and Niall was bent over it, writing. He paused every once in a while to think, and Zayn realized he was writing a letter. There were more letters, on fact- a whole stack lay on the table next to him, and the top one was addressed to Liam. 

Niall doesn't seem any different than the Niall Zayn knows. On the bed lay his laptop, and Zayn walks toward it and finds that twitter was up, multiple hateful comments showing. Niall's face betrays no negative emotion; on the contrary, he seems . . . peaceful. Zayn's blood runs cold as Niall signs the last letter and shoves it into an envelope. He quickly scrawls a name on it, and pulls something out of his pocket. It's a pill bottle. As he unscrews the lid and pours the pills into his hand, Zayn runs to him.

"No!" Zayn cries, reaching out. "Stop it!"

Christianna watches him pityingly as his hand goes right through Niall's shoulder. Zayn turns to her, a wild look in his eyes. 

"Take me back!" he begs. "Get me out of here!" 

The last thing he sees before they move is Niall's smile as he picks up the first pill.  
. . . . . . . . . . 

He lands on the balcony, breathless. Christianna hovers above him again and he realizes he is back at the hotel in his own world. 

"Here's where I give you two options, Zayn Malik," Christianna says. "If you say no, you will walk through that door and back into your life much wiser. If you say yes, you will become like me- a helper of the miserable."

Zayn sighs, still a shaken from the last trip. "Before this I might have said yes. Now, though . . . Now? I'm staying. Thank you so much for showing this to me. You're right, I feel much wiser. I'm sorry I can't go with you."

"Your choice makes me glad," Christianna says. "It is the right one."

Then she is gone, leaving Zayn to try to grasp the concept of what happened. He checks the time and finds it is the same time as when he'd been whisked away. His best friends, his brothers, are in the next room, and he's just seen them fade into misery. He needs to see them happy again.

He walks to the door and grabs the handle, feeling almost surprised when his hand grasps it instead of going through. 

"I'm alive," he whispers, suddenly realizing that he hadn't been a short time ago. "I'm alive!"

He pulls open the door and runs in. Harry and Louis are holding each other, dancing around the room. Zayn runs up and tackles them, laughing. "You're alright!"

"What?" Louis snorts. "Of course we are!"

Zayn turns on Liam, snatching his phone. "Liam, call Danielle."

"What?" Liam asks, looking shocked but not horrified. 

"Call her! You're not happy- just trust me and ditch this new girl and call Danielle." He finds Liam's current girlfriend in the contacts and clicks the call button. "Don't do anything you'll regret, but if you do, don't keep doing it." 

He hands the phone to Liam, hugging him violently but happily. Liam takes it, quickly answering, and Zayn scans the room. 

"Where's Niall?"

"He went to his room for some reason," Louis says. 

"I'll go see him, then," Zayn tells the others, leaving to find Niall's room.

As he opens the door, he realizes that the feeling in his heart really is love for the boy sitting on the bed in front of him, and he doesn't know why he didnt see it before. His heart stops, however, when he sees the pill bottle in Niall's hands. 

"Niall? What's that?" he asks, voice shaking. Niall looks up quickly, covering the bottle with his hands. Zayn sits by him, gently pulling his hands away and looking at the bottle. The name on the label is Niall's but he doesn't know what kind of drug is in the bottle. 

"They're anti-depressants," Niall says, sounding embarrassed. Zayn lets go of his hands and pulls him close, hugging him tightly. 

"What were you doing?" he asks, pulling away. 

"I was trying to decide if I should get rid of them. I haven't needed them in over a year," Niall says quietly, avoiding Zayn's eyes. 

"Oh," Zayn says. Niall looks up then, touching Zayn's hand lightly. 

"Did you- did you think I was going to kill myself?" Niall asks quietly, and Zayn isn't surprised that he figured it out after he saw Zayn's panic. 

"Yes," Zayn answers, because it's true. 

"Maybe a few years ago," Niall says, "but not now, not after I met you." He smiles and Zayn finds himself smiling back. 

"Good," Zayn says. "I'm- I just . . . don't ever. Don't listen to the mockers." 

Niall tenses beside him. 

"What?" Zayn asks. 

"Nothing- I just . . . those five words. They were on a note someone once left me."

Zayn had forgotten the note already, but he remembers now and tears fill his eyes as Niall pulls the now-ragged piece of paper out of his wallet and gently smooths it out. 

It's yellowing and crumpled, the ink is smeared with tears, and there's even a blood spatter on the corner like Niall turned to it when he was bleeding and sobbing, looking for hope. Zayn's heart feels like it's going to snap at the thought. 

Suddenly he can't help himself, and he pulls Niall in and kisses him, cupping his face. Niall's arms go around his neck and he hugs him close as he kisses back, pushing forward. Zayn kisses him until he can't breathe, pulling away and smiling widely. Niall smiles shyly back at him, reaching down and touching his hand. 

"I love you," Zayn blurts, and suddenly it doesn't feel like too soon. Perrie broke off the engagement two months ago and Niall's smiling at Zayn and nothing matters but this, right here. 

"I love you too, Zayn. I think- I think I always have."

And Zayn pulls him in for another kiss, deciding that, soon, he'll tell him about Christianna and the note and everything else. It's just that right now all he wants to do is show Niall how much he loves him, even though he took years to realize it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I'll admit it's a little shitty, but I felt like posting it anyway for some reason.


End file.
